IT'S ALL IN THE TIMING....

Life is all about timing....and most of what we do is hit and miss with what we would like to do or what we think should happen.  Events are usually poised a point or two up or down the scale from each other.  Rarely, do we get to "nail it on the head" with what we want or even wish could happen.

CASE IN POINT:

I wrote a blog on the 19th of January that bemoaned the fact there are no instruction manuals for relationships like grandparent/grandchild or navigating the tricky waters of being an in-law.  And not even two weeks later I opened up the online Meridian Magazine to find a headline that read:  "Your Influence as a Grandparent Is Up to You".  Richard and Linda Eyre are a couple who have spent their lives writing and lecturing about parenting relationships and other pertinent issues like life-balance that affect all of us at one time or another.  They have now turned their attention to grandparenting, since, as they pointed out in this article, we will probably be grandparents for a longer time in our lives  than the time we spent as parents with children in our home.  Their first acknowledgement was that there is little being written or spoken about grandparenting compared to the avalanche of material to help in the parenting process.  So, they have filled this void with two books.  One by Linda is about grandmothering.  Richard wrote the other one about being a grandfather. Looks like I got to the party a little late.  It's all about timing....

Their first premise is that grandparents now have more time simply because  we are living longer.  So, what do we plan to do with that gift of time?  That's an important question when couched in the doctrine of Exaltation which has at its very core extended families and in turn the links that grandparents can institute.

The next premise is that we need to self-evaluate "how much of our time and mental energy we are devoting" to our grandchildren and "how deliberate and thoughtful we are about the time we spend with them, about what we can do for them, about the relationship we want with them now and for the rest of our lives."

I know I'm not Grandparent #1 in their discussion.  I don't live in an adult community, golfing or filling my time with other empty pursuits.

Some of the things I do do constitute the definition of Grandparent #2.  I interact with them now and then when it fits into my work schedule.

For sure I am not Grandparent #3 who is at the ready whenever there is a "need" and sacrifice my own life to help my kids with their kids.

I'm not sure I even come close to Grandparent #4, one who can teach her grandkids what their parents can't as I take a role as "an essential and eternal part of an organized three generation family."    A legacy or "a monument of understanding and integrity and courage and unconditional love inside their minds and hearts that will stand forever."

Apparently, this last is the kind of grandmother my roommate at BYU had and other people I have known whose grandparent's death was a severe loss to them.  I didn't have that kind of relationship with my grandmothers.  And certainly not with my grandfathers who had been dead for a long, long time by my advent into the world.

In other words  (actually the Eyre's words):

• How do I maximize my time with my grandchildren?
• Do I know what they love?  Do they know what I love?
• Am I teaching them about our family narrative--stories of their ancestors and where they came from?
• What role do I play in teaching them the gospel?
• Do I spend quality time with each of them or send messages of support and love if they live far away?
• When they are in my home, am I asking them questions about important things?
• What will they remember about me?
• What legacy do I want to leave that will help light the path ahead of them?
• How do I make each one feel that he/she is my favorite because of his or her unique gifts and problems?

Obviously, each situation is different for all the grandparents out there in Baby Boomer land.  But the Eyres conclude with the thought that no matter what our circumstances, grandparents can make a difference in their grandchildren's lives.  

I am on a quest to do that.  So, I will be talking with each of my children to see where I have made it--and where I missed the mark.   Then I hope to formulate a plan to improve my relationship with each grandkid so that I am not some nebulous person out there on the outer fringes of their existence.

Wish me luck!